"I feel like a rubber band that has been stretched to breaking
point"
|
It must have been hard for
you to give up a happy life in France and to go home and
take over your daughter’s household.
The situation you are in is clearly difficult and maybe
there are some practical steps that could be taken if
you have not already. There seem to be financial issues,
which need addressing if they have not already been. It
seems that maybe you are being taken advantage of in
relation to your pension but perhaps you have found it
hard to say ‘no’. Have you explored all the financial
help you could get from state benefits? The Citizens
Advice Bureau is usually very helpful with trying to
sort out benefits or debt situations.
You say it is quicker to do things yourself but then
complain about how tired you are. Perhaps because you
undertake so much and it all goes smoothly the family
take you for granted or, perhaps, they feel that it is
no good offering to help as they don’t do things well
enough for you. I can’t believe that they are completely
selfish and maybe they need a bit more encouragement.
Would it be possible to sit down with them and explain
how you feel both physically and emotionally and perhaps
delegate some of the heavier tasks that tire you? Would
it be possible that, between them, they could give you a
weekend off every so often?
Have you investigated the possibility of respite care?
Carers UK could be a helpful organisation and their
website is
www.carersuk.org
Clearly what has happened to your
daughter is very distressing. From what you say she
hasn’t been completely disabled, as she is still able to
drive and visit her daughter. This leaves me wondering
why you have to take meals and drinks up to her all day.
Perhaps this is one of the things you could delegate in
the evenings and at weekends.
I am left wondering about your relationship with your
daughter and her family. Living in France might indicate
that you were not so close to her before she became
disabled so maybe it is difficult to sort out what it is
reasonable for you to do and how much financial support
is reasonable for you to give. It seems that you are not
to upset her children but that she doesn’t think about
how difficult all this might be for you.
Rather than feeling resentful about being taken
advantage of you need to find the strength to work out
what is reasonable to expect from a mother in her late
sixties in this situation and ask for help with the
rest. |
|
I'm very sorry to hear of
your family dilemma & can quite understand why you are
feeling so trapped in the current circumstances. It
really does sound as though you have 'buckled down' &
taken on a very difficult situation with all the best
intentions & I expect that your daughter must be feeling
very torn between her gratitude for all that you're
doing & still trying to allow her kids to have as normal
a life as possible. However, it also seems as though you
might be feeling rather taken for granted & at the end
of your tether with having to share the house & cope
with the completely different life styles going on at
the moment.
I recognise that you are trying to keep things going
until your daughter succeeds in her claim for damages,
which if successful could make life relatively easier
all round. Nevertheless, I wonder if it is time for a
gentle chat with your daughter first, followed by a
family conference if she is in agreement. I know it is
difficult to deal with all the different needs in the
family but you are being stretched to your limits in
every way-financially, practically & emotionally so
perhaps this is the time to be honest about your own
needs as well?
Maybe a joint meeting around the table at a time when
people aren't too tired would help everyone to explain
honestly what they felt about how their lives had
changed,& if this could be done without blame being
bandied around it might help everyone to be honest &
clear the air. The purpose would be for everyone to have
a share of equal time-say 10/20 minutes, to say how they
felt & then pool some ideas about how it could be made
any easier for the time being. For example, it does seem
as though you are struggling with a lot of debts & I
wonder if your local CAB could help with their
considerable knowledge or
www.insolvencyhelpline.co.uk
might be useful if you, your daughter or grandchildren
have access to a computer. It might also be that the
teenagers feel they can't live up to your standards of
cleanliness, but maybe it would be easier for you to
turn a blind eye if you were able to negotiate a fairer
amount of time for you to do some things you'd like to
do for yourself during the week?
I do know it is easier said than done, but hope that
everyone might feel better to have had the opportunity
to share their feelings in a non-critical atmosphere,
with the aim of trying to accommodate as many needs as
possible with as much cooperation as can be arranged. I
hope some of the suggestions will help you to feel less
alone, but please do write again if you would like more
online support. |
|