"HELP ME STOP THIS UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH MY STEPSON"

Therapist A is a counsellor with a psychodynamic approach with experience of working with adults and young people.

You fear being judged. I think the first thing I would like to say is that a trained psychotherapist or counsellor would not judge your actions but try to help you understand your feelings and what might be leading you to do something of which you are ashamed. I do think you should pluck up courage and contact one of the counsellors. In fact you could speak or write to more than one to find the person you would feel able to speak to.

I think you are at a difficult stage in life, possibly near menopause and the hormonal changes that take place at that time. It seems that you would have liked to have children and maybe you have quite deep regrets that it is now too late. Maybe your life feels quite empty.

You have been through one marriage break up and the emotional difficulties that were associated with that and now you are with a man who has lost interest in your sexual relationship which can be quite hurtful to your self esteem. Have you tried to talk to him about it? Is there something he is preoccupied with at present? Try to open up an understanding dialogue with him.

I wonder what you both left behind in the UK. Maybe both you and your husband are missing friends, family and just the British way of life. Your husband has his son with him but you have no family here apart from your husband. Does his son put a pressure on your relationship in other ways? Having a grownup child living at home when he would usually be away and living his own life can be difficult.

From your letter I think maybe you need to talk over some of these issues and maybe there are other thoughts and feelings it would be helpful to discuss with someone who has your interests at heart and does not judge you.
Therapist B is a Relate-trained counsellor with experience of working with relationship issues and is an experienced couples counsellor
I'm so sorry to hear of your suicidal thoughts, and would like to address those straight away by giving you some helplines and web sites at the end of this email. I know it isn't easy to be feeling like this in a foreign country and have made sure that I've given the necessary links/information in English for you.

As for your intense sexual needs, which are focussing on your stepson at the moment, then I wonder if you'd feel able to 'talk' about it all online to a relationship counsellor? I realise that you feel ashamed of your sexual feelings, but when you are in a steady relationship with someone and these needs change, then it is usually sensible to try and find out why these changes have come about, seemingly in your case, since you both came to France.

Sometimes the move to a foreign country can bring up all sorts of hidden feelings, and if couples don't talk about their emotional and physical/sexual needs then situations like the one you describe can leave you both feeling separated, and not knowing how to broach the subject with each other. It often helps to discuss this with a trained sexual therapist, and while I know there probably aren't many of those who are English speaking in France-apart from maybe big cities-they are available online. It might help you to write to a therapist as soon as you can, so that he/she will be able to give you some perspective on why your sexual life has changed. It may be that you and your husband have different expectations of 'retired' life-is he older than you, and is he by any chance taking medication which might help explain his loss of interest?
There are many other possibilities to explore, but it sounds as though you are pretty desperate for sexual relief, and although you can recognise that your obsession with your stepson isn't exactly very healthy for you to have to endure, I do hope that you will take a step back from what could be an embarrassing and dangerous situation and seek help a.s.a.p.

www.sextherapyonline.org -this has a link to an article on sex drive, which looks very appropriate. There are other sex therapists on www.google.co.uk

1)Befrienders Worldwide
www.befrienders.org - this has useful articles

2)English speaking :- Tel: 0033 1 46 21 46 46 Services by: Telephone (3-11pm) Website: www.soshelpline.org
Therapist C is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist with experience of working with relationship and many other issues.

The first thing I would recommend you to do is to see a counsellor or therapist as soon as possible to try and get to the root of what is happening and why you feel so desperate. You are judging yourself much too harshly. Experienced counsellors and therapists are used to dealing with all sorts of difficulties that people experience and won't judge you or feel disgusted. You write that you have a very high sex drive but I wonder if your need for sex is a substitute for some deeper emotional need. You mention that materially you are comfortable but you do not mention anything about your relationship with your husband from an emotional aspect. I wonder why your partner has lost all interest in sex since being in France and what that means to you.

Are you feeling rejected or abandoned by this? I also wonder what sex means to you. Is it a way of getting comfort or love? I wonder why you think you will be arrested as your husband's son is not a minor and therefore you are not committing a crime. There are ways of dealing with your difficulties so please, do not give up hope and, as I recommended above, go and see someone who will help you with all this.