THERAPIST B IS
CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE SO THIS RESPONSE IS FROM A
PERSON-CENTRED COUNSELLOR WITH
EXPERIENCE OF WORKING WITH CHILDREN AND FAMILIES
I am very struck with how
caring you have managed to remain in this difficult and
painful situation. You clearly understand the dynamics
of your family and also that it’s really important to
look after your own needs. It seems clear that your
sister is projecting her anger and fear onto you as a
way of dealing with her unmanageable feelings. You
describe the classic signs of the term “control freak”
and of course, cancer is one of those diseases which is
very difficult to control, it runs riot and creates
havoc in the body and the emotions as well as within
families. It must be very frightening to have your
health and future so out of control without having a say
in the matter.
I wonder what your role has always been in your birth
family but I would guess that it has been one of
peacemaker and the one who takes bad behaviour and
handles it because you are expected to behave that way,
the one that the family members expect to take abuse and
still smile?
I guess that it would be very difficult for you to step
out of that role because your sister’s illness appears
to have trapped you – you may feel you can’t refuse her
or her needs now that she is so ill. However, you do
have choices. Choice 1, you can passively accept all the
manipulation, because that is clearly what it happening
– she has already paid for your tickets, she has made
the rules to suit herself and not taken your feelings
into account, she has backed you into a corner and
battered you with her pain because she wants someone to
make it all better and take it away from her.
Choice 2, healthier for you, is to stop accepting this
given childhood role. Of course she is frightened and
feeling alone, but one way to look at it is that while
you love your sister and empathise with her, you do not
have to tolerate her bad behaviour. Look at it as her
“behaviour” that is bad, not her as a person and it all
becomes much easier to cope with. If a child behaves
badly, you make it clear to them that while you still
love them, you won’t accept being pushed around and that
you will not respond to tantrums and manipulative
behaviour, but you will reward good behaviour. Children
who are given those boundaries feel much safer and
happier than those who are allowed to push others
around. Clear boundaries would protect you because your
final sentence “I feel as if my very existence sparks
it” may be the key. You are too important for your
sister to lose right now and maybe it's time to use that
to create a few ground rules of your own. Have you got
an ansaphone? If not, perhaps you should get one so that
YOU are in control of conversations and when she can get
hold of you. Make it clear to her that you love her but
you will not tolerate abusive talk and warn her just
once that you will stop the conversation, assertively
and without anger. If she carries on then put the phone
down but don’t feel guilty as you had warned her and she
has to learn that abuse won't get her anywhere with you
any longer. Maybe you can decide what you will do
at Christmas, how long you will spend with her and maybe
make it clear that it's up to you where and how
long you stay, whoever has paid for the tickets? She may
be very ill but I have a feeling she will actually feel
better if you take back some control and give her some
behaviour boundaries. Some of the Self-Help exercises on
this website:
http://www.counsellinginfrance.com/SELFHELP/selfhelp.htm
may help.
Good luck and I hope that you recognise that you are not
being an unkind sister by protecting yourself but be
prepared for her to struggle at first with any change
you make as she is used to you taking whatever is thrown
at you, but in the long run, it may greatly help her as
well as you. |